How are you with grief? Bereavement and loss are undoubtedly the hardest and most painful of human experiences as we travel through life, and are frequently a reason for people to seek counselling.
We tend to think of bereavement as the event of someone who is dear to us dying, but it is important to be aware that loss of any kind can result in deep distress, which might require some help and support. This could be the loss of an imagined future, a relationship, a home or our health. The physical and emotional reactions to loss of any kind will be the experience we call grief and it can feel devastating.
Grief can be defined as simple or complicated, depending on the nature and circumstances of the loss and therapeutic approaches will be reflect this. Some people might need a safe space to talk about their loss and have their emotions received empathically. Others may be navigating shock and trauma, or ambivalence and guilt, which will require something different.
During the past six months, I’ve had the privilege of working with people who have been bereaved, in that someone they love has died. These last few months have reminded me of the most important aspect of the work I do; that is, the therapeutic relationship. I use the word “privilege” because it’s the way I feel about the fact that my clients have invited me to share with them their vulnerability as they feel their way through a world that is, for them changed forever. I’m astonished and heartened by their resilience and courage whilst we explore together their present experiencing and their views of their past and their future, as they allow themselves the time and space to feel all their feelings and to know themselves to be heard and held within a therapeutic place.
Many, many years ago, when I trained as a nurse in London, we were taught the now very well-known model of grief, with its five stages that people (apparently) move through before emerging at the other side. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who founded the model, never meant it to be perceived as this linear journey that’s the same for everyone, but this is unfortunately how it came to be seen.
Today, new ways of looking at grief and talking about it have lead to some very much more realistic and helpful models, models that don’t assume that time is a healer, nor that anyone should “get over it by now.” My pluralistic practice means I can work with my clients’ grief in many different ways, but I always begin by giving them the opportunity to talk at length about their loved one, to let me “meet” them and tell me everything that they want me to know. It’s common for clients to walk me through the events of the loss, often in great detail. This may not be something they have been able to do before, particularly if the death was sudden or violent. The ability to share this with someone else can feel very healing.
Unlike the old “time to move on” advice that used to be given (albeit well meant) to grieving people, the idea of Continuing Bonds (Klass, Silvermand and Nickman) suggests that relationships change after death but they don’t end. People don’t want to sever ties with their loved one. In fact, they want to be helped to continue the relationship in a different way that enables them to find meaning in their new, changed future. By celebrating special occasions, sharing memories of their loved one with trusted others, continuing important rituals and communicating with their loved one through letters or conversation can help them integrate the loss into their life. Finding meaning in a future by living in ways that honours their loved one can provide a great sense of meaning and therefore comfort, keeping the feeling of the other close.
Similarly, Lois Tonkin’s Growing Around Grief sees grief as a lifelong journey, one which includes the person who has died. There is no saying goodbye to them. nor leaving them in the past. Whilst the size of the grief will stay the same, the impact it has on every aspect of life will certainly change. By carrying their loved one with them, people can grow around their grief, finding meaning in life despite their loss.
If you are caught up in feelings surrounding a loss, buffeted by the storm of emotions and unable to see a way through. If you think over and over in seemingly endless loops about events past and how things might have been different…if only. If you are frustrated with being told to “move on” when it’s the last thing you want to do. If you have lost someone or something decades ago, or yesterday and you are struggling, then please do get in touch. I will walk beside you as together, we find your way to calmer seas.
